The unending fog…

Here I sit, head full of ideas, yet not sure what to say and what to keep to myself. It’s been a long, strange journey in the cemetery these last few years. Sometimes I still feel like it’s 2020 and everything is still upside down. This year has been tough, I admit. Having lost myself a little over two years ago with no guarantee of a return, then thankfully finding my way back, these last several months basically felt like I had been put on cruise control. Maybe I lapsed back into survival mode; I could feel myself going through the motions, but certain parts seemed to be missing.

It was difficult to sit and enjoy reading a book. Yes, I did read several books this year, but I feel like it was a fight to get through them at times. Not because they weren’t intriguing; I just had zero focus. My mind would wander to all the daily stresses and anxieties that being an adult affords me. My writing has suffered. That creative spark seems far more elusive lately. I create, but not as often as I would like. We’re heavy into spooky season, but this year I barely feel the twinge of Halloween delight. Normally, I would be devouring scary movies and visiting cemeteries, or tracking down haunted locations to experience. I’ve pretty much done fuck all this season. No decorations, no costume plans, no visits to spooky places. It’s as if I am in some sort of holding pattern, just circling my life and waiting to move forward. It kinda sucks, if I’m honest.

The good news is, I am reading again. Quite a lot, actually. Maybe my brain is slowly coming back online? I still feel numb and hollow inside as far as creativity and spookiness go; I want to be immersed in the creepy vibes, but I’m just not. Maybe right now, all my brain can handle is getting lost in a good novel. I have a sliver of faith that the rest will return someday. My creative drive, my connection to all things macabre…that has to come back eventually, right? It’s who I am. I did recently write a new poem, and it took a lot for me not to post it right away. I decided to keep it for the upcoming book. However, writing that single poem took me days. Literal days. I used to be able to hammer out a great poem in one sitting. The creativity would just flow like water. Lately, it’s as though the words are trapped in the dark corners of my mind, and I have to coax them out. I feel less creative and more apathetic, which is unsettling, to say the least. Ever feel that way? Like you want to, but you can’t? Yeah, that’s me.

I’m not sure what this is, exactly. Yes, I suffer from depression and I am aware that this slump is most likely affected by that; however, this is something more. Like I’m just fucking stuck or something. Mentally, creatively, even physically. Life has seemingly hit the slow motion button on me. I feel myself slipping back into survival mode. I find that thought terrifying, but how do I stop it? How do I show my brain that it is safe to function normally? How do I feel again? I just want to feel anything, really. Love for the spooky, the urge to create, desire to visit creepy locations…why must I repeatedly fall numb to these things? Come on, brain, cut me some slack.

I’m aware that the actual writing of this blog post denotes at least some spark of creative energy. This is different, though, in that I am basically just writing down my thoughts. I’m not trying to establish a narrative or setting, or take you all on some type of literary journey. Writing a blog post takes a lot less creative effort than writing poems and short stories, if you ask me. We’re basically chatting over coffee, only I get to dominate the conversation because you are simply the reader. Still, perhaps I should take what I can get. Presumably, I get to spend Halloween trapped in some harrowing brain fog. I’m numb and apathetic when I wish to be anything but. It’s like I’m watching life from the fringes, unable to join in. If reading and blogging is all I have right now, so be it. I suppose I will limp along like always, and hopefully my full stride will find its way to me once more.

Sorry to complain. Thanks for listening (reading?). Here is my shameless plug for my books: Twisted Libra books at Barnes & Noble Twisted Libra books on Amazon

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Until next time…